To Flow or Not To Flow

So the new year is here. The calendars have turned a new page and one week in to 2019 I’m still not really sure what I want this year to hold.

I did some thinking a few weeks back and as January approached I just put it all to the side to let the holidays happen and enjoy the moments. Now that we’re really into January it feels like I should have a plan, I should be resolute towards something (other than my giving up alcohol and cheese, well sorta cheese, for the month), and I should be going going going.

It’s the constant struggle I find myself in of flow vs action, surrender vs push, and knowing what balance of the two is just right. A few days into 2019 and I was already feeling like I needed something to tether me down so I didn’t feel like I was drifting aimlessly, yet drifting can be so joyous. Argh the mind games and chatter!

Then yesterday I was reminded as soon as you start to plan the universe likes to come back and put something else in front of you to change direction. Yesterday I was faced with the decision... do I scrap the plans that I’d finally gotten myself to make for the coming weeks or do I trust what’s being offered up and go for it?

A few months ago I applied to participate in a month long program at The Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. I was thrilled about applying yet also trying to be open and detached from the outcome - but let’s be honest, I think this place might be magical so the opportunity to spend a month was really desirable. All Fall I left my calendar open for January and February to clear space for my hopeful acceptance into the program. Then, after not hearing back and not hearing back I finally got in touch only to find out that my application was never received and the program was now full. I was frustrated and annoyed to say the least. And it was mostly at myself because I felt like well dang, my sitting back and not taking action to hound on them regarding my application now bit me in the butt. Too much drifting, not enough action. Then I came to terms with it, decided it wasn’t meant to be, and I would start to make plans now that my January and February were fully free.

The plan I decided on was a cross-country drive. Not the ideal time to do it, but hey, I have a car sitting in Philadelphia and there are loads of people I can visit along the way, why not just head south and make my way west. Just in the last few days it was all coming together - I booked a one-way ticket to Philadelphia, I’d mapped the distances between friends and family, gotten excited to see the UFO museum in Roswell, and even made plans to fly my boyfriend to LA at the end so we could go to Joshua Tree before the last leg to San Francisco. I’d finally gotten my act together to have a solid plan for the two week trip and I was getting really excited about it. I’d even started a spreadsheet with all the details, all real plans start with a spreadsheet, right?!?

Then the universe decided to come back to me and toss a wave at my developing plan. A spot opened up at the Esalen program and it was mine if I wanted it. I knew in the back of my mind this would happen, or at least I’d been hopeful it would happen a few weeks ago, yet I needed to not bank on it. I’d moved on.

My first thought was seriously, you’ve got to be kidding me. Ugh, annoyance. I’d finally gotten myself organized to plan the road-trip and actually book things, and now this opportunity is back. The planner part of myself was immediately like, no you have plans, you’ve moved on, and you have people to see. But then the heart said, you wanted to go and experience Esalen, the road-trip can happen later but this opportunity may not come back.

I know what the road-trip will give me and I so desire it - there’s connection, exploration, and freedom on the road. However, the unknown of what may come by opening myself back up to the Esalen experience is calling. Sticking to the plans feels stubborn and Esalen feels in flow and accepting the gift that was meant to be. So in just over a week I won’t get on the plane to Philadelphia but rather head south to Big Sur, one of the most beautiful places on the California coast, and immerse myself in all that is Esalen. Let’s see where the flow of the universe takes me through Esalen!

xoxo

jessie