Stop Beating Yourself Up
‘You look really terrible.’
‘Why would you do that, that was so stupid.’
‘Just give up, you’re never going to get promoted.’
‘No wonder you don’t have enough money, a happy marriage, a successful job, an earth shattering startup idea [whatever laundry list of things you can fill in].’
Do any of these sound familiar?
I’m going to venture to say yes and perhaps eerily similar to things you’ve said or thought recently. And when you’re saying them they’re directed right at you, to that person standing in the mirror staring back at you, not outwardly to someone else. Certainly you’d think twice and likely never say these things directly to another person.
Why is that? Why can we be brutal, down right mean, and in no way encouraging or motivating to ourselves yet wouldn’t dare say similar things to anyone else? We love to beat ourselves up and then can turn around in almost the same moment and be compassionate and caring for a friend or someone who needs a little love. At times it seems like it’s easier to outwardly give, provide support, and be a cheerleader for someone, anyone, other than ourselves.
I challenge you to think and consider...
Are you more compassionate towards others than you are yourself? Do you let others off the hook for things that you continually beat yourself up about?
Self talk is important. We have seemingly infinite hours of dialogue with ourselves and everytime we head down that self deprecating and negative path we make that groove in our brain that much deeper and stronger. The negative talk and emotions seep into your subconscious and you are no longer even aware that they are there. They’ve become a part of you.
When it comes to what we experience our brains like to hold on to the negatives, it’s part of how we learned to survive. The brain tends to identify negative information more quickly and file that away for future reference. There was a purpose (way back in the day) to negative associations and training our evolving brains to avoid danger. However, we don’t need most of that today, and what we really need is to start building new powerfully positive reinforced pathways within the brain. It’s about re-training our brains and creating new neural pathways that can override the negative that we’re holding on to.
For every experience if you can identify something that’s positive - even if the overall experience feels overwhelmingly negative - you’ll start to strengthen the positive associations. This is the first step. Bring awareness and welcome the positive in. With this recognition of the positive you can then deepen the connection by sitting in the moment, the feeling, and the emotion. Lingering in the emotion and really feeling it starts to fire up the brain and internalize the memory.
So when it comes to your self talk and self compassion you must be your biggest raving fan. Not someone else’s fan, but you and you alone. What you say to yourself matters. Give yourself the same grace and leeway that you give others.
We can’t expect to flip the switch over night and suddenly only have positive talk, but by gaining awareness, creating a practice of positive affirmation and catching yourself when you spiral down into the negative space is an excellent start. Then, over time with new internal messaging and positive associations the pathways in your brain will become stronger and those types of memories more present.
Give yourself a little compassion over the next few days.
Listen to what the internal chatter is. Be curious. Be honest with yourself.
Find the positive, even if it’s just a glimmer, and Linger Awhile in it.
Support yourself in the same way you’d be there for anyone else struggling.
xoxo
jessie